Everybody Wants to be a Cat
by Bri Nara
Summary: When Japan wakes up one morning as a cat, the nations know something's wrong. What happened? How long will it take to fix? What will everyone do meanwhile? Sequel to 'It's Raining Women'. Warnings: AU, language now, crack, references, small headcanons, kitties, and whatever else there is to add.
1. Are you serious?

**United States of Hetalia Productions**

_Hi peoples! Welcome to 'Everybody Wants to Be a Cat'! If you don't like randomness, interactive author's notes, random little headcanons sprinkled in, or plot-less fics, then you've clicked the wrong story! For those of your who don't know, this is the third installment of a series of crack fics (the other two being 'It's a Small World After All' and 'It's Raining Women'). Please note that this has been written over a number of years so the writing style has changed a bit. And I haven't exactly had a crack muse in a while, so sorry if it's rusty.  
_

_One of my dear friends help me think of some of the plot for this, so as a way to thank her I posted this on her birthday (give or take a few hours). Happy Birthday, Fuyu!_

_Anyways, I don't own Hetalia._

* * *

It was a very nice morning. Well, at least Japan had thought so.

Yes, a very nice and _peaceful _morning, he had thought. The sun was shining outside his window, birds were singing, the bed felt nice and warm, Pochi was growling at him...

Wait, Pochi was growling at him?

The small dog was up on the bed in his usual spot. However, instead of giving him a happy bark to wake him up as he normally would, he was growling at him with a look of anger.

The nation was at first confused about why his own dog looked ready to use him as a chew toy, but quickly became more concerned over the fact that Pochi looked a lot bigger all of a sudden _and _the fact that he was ready to use him as a chew toy.

Japan nearly sprinted out of bed with Pochi right behind him.

A few minutes before somewhere else...

"I-I don't think this is a very good idea... What if something g-goes wrong?"

"Nothing's going to go wrong because I've been practicing!"

"I thought you w-weren't allowed to practice-"

"Shhhh!"

"I don't think this is a good idea..."

"Everything will be fine! Now just stand back..."

We now return to your scheduled fanfic...

"Pochi! Wait! Stop! Heel!"

Japan was dodging nearly everything in his path, only focusing on the angry dog chasing him. It wasn't until he crashed face-first into something that he noticed something was severely wrong.

First of all, Japan noticed that he was _tiny_. Sure, he wasn't exactly basketball-player sized before but the thing he crashed _face_-first into was the _couch. _The_ very small _couch. Everything in the house seemed to tower above him. He looked back at Pochi, who now looked big enough to ride on.

Not that Japan was tempted to try that right now, mind you.

Secondly, it hit him that he was running on all fours earlier. His hands were just as sore as his feet. He didn't remember running like that on purpose, but it was too unlikely to be an accident.

Finally, he noticed a mirror on the other side of the room. He didn't see any people in the mirror so he was confused about where he was supposed to be.

Until he looked lower down and saw a cat.

A very small black and white cat that looked about as confused as he was.

It had dark brown eyes like his. It had fur the same color as his hair. It tilted its head the same time that he tilted his-

Oh dammit, he was a cat, wasn't he?

He looked down at his hands and saw that they weren't hands, they were paws._ His_ paws.

"Oh my..."

Later in England...

England was enjoying a nice dream.

A very nice and _peaceful _dream, he would remember later.

That was, until the phone started ringing.

England opened his eyes and glared at the offending cellphone on his nightstand.

He sat up and glanced at the caller ID. The phone said that it was Japan calling, so that explained the call at _this _godforsaken hour.

"Bloody timezones..." England muttered before he answered. "Hello?"

England dropped the phone when there was loud shrieking noises on the other end. It sounded like a cat was yelling at him. He picked the phone back up.

"Hello? Japan? Who is this?" More cat noises. "This better not be a prank call!" Quieter cat noises, but still cat noises. "It's late at night here, I would rather not deal with this right now. _Goodnight_." Click.

Back to Japan...

"England-san! I'm sorry! Just listen to me- Please don't hang up!" Click. "Ugh..." Ten minutes of trying to dial with no fingers wasted...

"Arf!"

Japan looked at Pochi. Pochi was staring at him curiously.

"I'm sorry... I don't speak dog," Japan tried to answer.

Pochi walked up to Japan and sniffed him. Pochi gave him a satisfied bark.

"Does that mean you won't chase me anymore?"

"Arf!"

"...I'll take that as a yes."

Japan started pacing around. This was bad. He couldn't be a cat right now, he had things to do! He had meetings to attend, paperwork to do, who knows how being a cat could affect his nation, how was he going to feed Pochi...

He froze in his pacing and looked up at the cabinet where he kept the pet food.

The cabinet that was so high up, it was practically laughing at him.

"This going to be a _very _long day..."

**Ah, I can already feel that I'm going to cringe at reading this tomorrow morning.**

**First chapters are like the beginnings of races. If you trip at the starting line, you can either stop trying and try to slip into the audience, or pretend like it never happened and keep running for 8th place.**

**Anyways, review, please!**


	2. Great Plan, Guys

_Me: Hi peoples! Glad to see I stopped a hiatus for some of you. Now time for my favorite part, answering the review letters!  
_

_Pochi: (Walks in dragging a mailbag)_

_Me: (Reads several letters from the bag) Have no fear, kitties, Greece is he- (Nation whispers in my ear) What? He isn't here yet? I mean, have no fear, Greece is... coming... Couldn't think of something else. Moving on! (Reads another review letter) Yeah, there's a sort of hit list as to who will be in this fic; Vietnam and Thailand were requested before the other fic even ended. I'll have to figure out how to write them.  
_

_Vietnam and Thailand: (Looks at each other nervously)_

_Me: (Reads another review) ...I think your awesome-ness measurement thingy is off, nobody's awesomer than Prussia. Especially not me. As for the Fourth Wall-_

_England: AHEM. (Waves contract)_

_Me: Oh, yes. The contract. Because that worked so well last time._

_England: I'll actually cook scones for the audience just to avoid what happened last time._

_Me: (Deadpan) ...I don't think we'll have that problem, Iggy._

_England: Huh?_

_Me: Nothing! (Reads one last letter) Oh, the complications are the best parts to write! I don't own Hetalia, if I did, many more characters would get more screen-time._

* * *

"Ready, Pochi?"_  
_

The dog gave Japan a look that was somewhere between "This is never going to work" and "Cats are weird".

"...I'll take that as a yes." Japan got into position on the end of the broom. "One!"

Pochi looked from the other end of the makeshift catapult back to the black and white cat with the determined look on his face.

"Two!"

Pochi got into position and glanced at the ground a few feet below.

"Three!"

Pochi jumped onto the end of the broom, sending Japan flying. Japan stretched out his paws and prayed that he could pull the cabinet open.

SMACK.

"Ow..." Japan groaned. He felt himself start sliding down. "Oh, no no no no no...!" He tried to cling onto the wooden surface with his claws. It sounded like nails were scratching a chalkboard until Japan fell off.

SMACK.

"I thought cats were supposed to always land on their feet!" Japan said. He looked up at the cabinet and sighed when the only difference made were a few scratches. "Pochi, we're going to need a new plan."

Meanwhile somewhere...

"Meow."

"Okay, I know this looks bad but I can fix it! Honest!"

"Meow."

"There's no need to say 'I told you so'! The spell worked-"

"Meow!"

"Sort of. Technically it worked-"

"Meow meow!"

"Okay, okay, sorry! I'll just try again! Maybe you'll be fixed by accident."

"Meow..." The cat's expression could only be read as "This is never going to work."

Meanwhile in America's house...

America had fallen asleep in the middle of a movie. The action took too long so the nation was out cold for hours. This happened often, so Tony wasn't surprised to see a lump beneath a blanket on the couch.

The alien's eyes narrowed in frustration. America needed to learn how to stop watching boring movies _right _before Tony's goddamn favorite show came on. Tony poked the lump on the couch.

"Bitch!" he called. The lump didn't move. "Biiiiitch!" It still didn't move. If he didn't move soon, Tony was just going to sit on America and watch his show. Because there was no way in hell Tony was going to drag America upstairs.

The lump on the couch finally moved and onto the floor with a loud _THUMP! _Tony ignored the fact that the form under the blanket was much smaller than it should have been. There was still no way he was dragging America upstairs.

When a cat finally emerged, Tony did a double-take.

Last time he checked, America didn't own a cat. Even if he did own a cat, America probably wouldn't let it touch his glasses. Or sleep on the couch. Or leave a bowl of Cheetohs on the coffee table only half-full.

Tangled in the blanket was a big, white, ball of fluff. It had a ring of brown fur around its neck. It had strange markings on its face that looked similar to the glasses lying beside it.

Tony nudged it with his foot. It let out a loud yawn and opened its eyes. Blue eyes stared at Tony sleepily.

"Meow..."

No, Tony didn't speak cat, but his alien translator device did. He pulled it out of practically nowhere and switched the setting from 'Earthling Human' to 'Cat'.

"Tony..." said the cat in a _very _familiar voice. "I said 'what's up' and you just pull out your alien thingy and why the hell are you looking at me like that?"

Tony felt like facepalming. How did the nation not notice yet? "You're a fucking cat."

"...Wha..." America stared at him blankly before he burst out laughing. "Dude, I think you got your words in English mixed up again. It sounded like you just called me a cat."

Now Tony actually facepalmed. "You're a fucking cat."

"Seriously, Tony, what are you trying to tell me?" The Americat tilted his head. "Hey, did you get taller?"

Tony turned off the TV and turned the cat's head toward his reflection. "You're. A. Fucking. _Cat._"

"... HOLY CRAP, MY ALIEN SPEAKS CAT!"

Tony rolled his eyes and grabbed the remote. He wasn't going to deal with pointing out the obvious, he was going to watch his show.

"Wait a second... HOLY CRAP, I'M A CAT!"

"No shit, genius."

**And there we have it. We're going without censors unless stated otherwise.**

**Review, please.**


	3. Cat-xis Meowers

_Me: Hi peoples! I'm sorry this took so long, I haven't been myself lately. But the problem went away (hopefully) so I'm gonna act like I'm all better now! Anyways, the reviews.__ (Reads a review) Ah yes... Siopao... I was going to make a joke about that later. You'll see (I hope). (Reads another review) Sure, I'll give them to you! (To Greece) Uhh... How are you supposed to pick up cats?  
_

_America and Japan: (Glance at each other nervously and try to sneak away)_

_Me: Oh! I know! (Just picks them both up and puts them in the cannon)_

_Japan: I-I don't believe that this is the proper way to send us to the other side of the Fourth Wall!_

_Me: ...You're right._

_America: Phew..._

_Me: One of the reviewers sent us a Cat Country Launcher! (Ties both to the rocket that says 'To Celtic')_

_America: Nice going, Japan._

_Japan: I'm sor- (Launched)_

_Me: Now, remember, I don't own Hetalia! If I did, it'd look like a mess._

* * *

"Pochi..." Japan whimpered from the ground. The cabinet that contained the pet food was still over 5 feet over his head and the sound of his stomach was almost louder than his words. "If I don't make it... Tell my people that I love them..."_  
_

"Arf!" The dog tilted his head in confusion.

"Wait, you can't just tell them that simply... Um... Bark it in Morse Code."

Pochi gave him a look that said "What the hell is Morse Code?"

"...I didn't teach you that, did I?"

"Arf..."

"Well, that figures. It's going to take a miracle for us to be able to eat-"

At that moment, they heard movement at the front door. It sounded like someone was putting a key in the lock. Pochi sniffed the air then let out the doggy equivalent of a groan. Japan decided to take a sniff too. Whoever was at the door smelled like dirt, sea water, and... cats. That sounded like...

The visitor finally opened the front door and walked into the kitchen.

"I didn't know... that Japan got... a new cat."

Looking down at the two of them was a man with curly brown locks, holding a paper bag that smelled strongly of fish.

It was Greece! And he brought tuna! Japan was saved!

"Grrrrrrr!"

Or not.

"Nice doggy..."

"WOOF!"

"No, Pochi, no! Don't hurt the nice man! NO! PLEASE! POCHI! NOT THE TUNA!"

...

It was going to be a nice morning.

A very nice and _peaceful _morning, Germany had hoped.

That is, until, a certain Italian rolled over in bed.

Now, 'Being nearly crushed to death by a half-naked Italy' was absent from the long list of ways Germany would like to be woken up. Germany flailed and struggled until he was on the ground hissing at the bed.

Wait a second. Hissing?

No, no, my friend. Germany does not _hiss_. He would shout whatever was annoying him into submission. But hiss? That's usually not an option.

But that's what he was doing.

Italy sat up in bed, looking around for the source of the noise. He noticed Germany on the ground and smiled.

"Good morning!" Italy said cheerfully.

"Good morning," Germany said. He was still confused as to why he hissed and how _Italy _managed to squish him.

"Aww! You said good morning back to me!" Huh? "Come here!"

Italy got up from the bed. _When the hell did Italy get so big?! _Germany thought about two seconds before the Italian scooped him up in his arms.

"Ve! Pookie, you're so cute!" Italy cooed as he hugged (read: squished again) Germany.

"Pookie?" Germany vaguely remembered that to be the name of that stupid brown cat that often distracted Italy from training. He squirmed in Italy's grip. "Italy,_ let me go_! I need to figure out why on Earth I'm so small again! Why the hell do you think I'm your cat?"

"I-I'm sorry, Pookie! Was I hugging you too ha- Wait a minute, you're not Pookie." Italy's face scrunched up in concentration as he reexamined Germany. When Italy's eyes started trailing downward, Germany flailed and began scolding that _this was no time to be checking him out_! "Veeee! I'm so sorry; I didn't realize that Pookie had a boyfriend! I didn't mean to look, I wasn't expecting to see anything there! Ouch! I didn't mean it like that! Please don't claw my face off! I really like my face! GERMANY! HELP! I GOT POOKIE'S BOYFRIEND MAD AT ME! GERMANYYY!"

"STOP CRYING, ITALY! I'M RIGHT HERE!" Germany groaned. Then he finally noticed his hand. Or rather, his paw.

Germany stopped moving as he took a good look at himself. Those were definitely paws where his hands should be. That fur most certainly wasn't there before he went to bed last night. Why the hell was it black? Did whatever made him a cat decide that he couldn't be blonde? And, oh gott, was that a _tail_?

"Mister Pookie's Boyfriend?" Italy tilted his head in confusion at the now-limp cat in his arms. "... OH NO, I BROKE HIM!"

Italy frantically dashed about the house, looking for Germany. When he couldn't find him, he grabbed the phone. "JAPAN! I WAS ASLEEP AND THEN POOKIE'S BOYFRIEND WANDERED IN AND THEN I HUGGED HIM TOO HARD THEN I ACCIDENTALLY LOOKED AT HIS KITTY-BALLS AND NOW HE'S BROKEN AND I CAN'T FIND GERMANY ANYWHERE! YOU'RE SMART, JAPAN, WHAT DO I DO? Huh? Greece? Ve, I'm sorry about your ear. What? You can't find Japan?"

**Yeah, this is me attempting to get all my muses back. So if the quality of my stories go down, I'm terribly sorry.**

**Um, review, please?**


End file.
